Forgiveness
by JanineD
Summary: Set after the final episode of season 4: She had wanted to fix everything but she had made a bad choice. As much as Lorelai wanted to she couldn't fix this for Rory
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own any of these  
  
Forgiveness  
  
Rory woke up from the sunlight shining right into her eyes. It was so bright it almost blinded her and it took her a while to pull herself together. She needed a few seconds to make up the thoughts in her mind and to realize that it was morning . Where was she? Oh yeah, it was summer, she was back in Stars Hollow with her mom and Luke and Lane and Kirk and Tailor and Dean- Dean, oh my god. Dean. It hit her all of a sudden. She had slept with Dean. Dean, who was married. Lindsey's Dean. Former boy-friend Dean. All the events of last night came back to her. She remembered her mom walking in on them, she remembered their argument, she remembered rushing out of the house. She remembered thinking that everything was right, that she hadn't done anything wrong, After all it was Dean right? She made the right choice. It wasn't Jess, and she thought her mother should have been happy. After all Lorelai always approved of him. Dean was the guy for her. He was always there, she could rely on him, he was the good guy, he treated her right. And most of all, he never came back to mess up her life again and again and then just took off. He didn't tell her he loved her just in order to walk away from her again, or drive for that matter. He didn't ask her to give up her life to come with him. He didn't leave her crying... Right then Rory could feel a tear forming in her eye. It was like in slow-motion: She could feel it building up, getting bigger, so big that it finally rolled down her cheek and dropped from her chin. And then there was another one coming faster this time. And another one, and more and more and finally she was sobbing, bursting on the inside and outside. She collapsed onto her bed. What had she done? She had lost her virginity to a married man. She had betrayed Dean's wife. She had made him cheat on his wife. She was an adulterer. In the past people had been killed for that. She the good girl, the valedictorian that went to Yale had been "the other woman". Her mother's words kept echoeing in her head. She had made her mother angry. She had disappointed her. She remembered the look on Lorelai's face when she saw the messed up sheets on Rory's bed confirming the suspicion she had had upon seeing Dean come out of Rory's room... Rory couldn't take it any longer. Everything had seemed right to her at the moment. It was Dean after all. She once had dropped him for Jess, which everyone had told her was the wrong decision. And then Jess had hurt her. He had hurt her for real. He had left without a word and he had come back and messed everything up again. But Dean had been there for her. He would never hurt her. He was the right one. Everything was in his favour. This thought had been in her mind the previous night. Everything was in Dean's favour. He was supposed to be her first time. Yet, what had seemed right before didn't seem so right now. No, even more, it felt wrong, totally wrong. Rory knew that her mother had been right. Rory knew that she had made a mistake. A huge mistake. Dean was married. He had made a mistake as well. The two of them had made a mistake. Suddenly it hit Rory: She had messed up her first time. It never had occurred to her that her first time would be like this. Her first time was always supposed to feel right, but this one didn't. It was supposed to be with someone she loved... Oh my god, did she love Dean? The answer should be yes, but it wouldn't come. Did she love Dean?  
  
Lorelai could hear her daughter sobbing in her room, when she entered the house. Normally she would have gone into Rory's room immediately, but she had to recollect herself first this morning. She still could not believe what Rory had done. Rory had followed in her footsteps, something Lorelai never imagined could happen. Rory had slept with a married guy. Not that this wasn't bad, but it was worse: Rory hadn't realized her fault. She had justified herself, she had said that everything was alright. Lorelai sighed when remembering their fight the night before. She couldn't remember a fight that bad. It was probably the worst they ever had. Rory would not admit her fault, not until she had tried to call Dean and had gotten Lindsey instead. Then Rory had collapsed on the porch and Lorelai knew at once that Rory knew. Rory had realized her mistake. It hurt Lorelai to see her like that but she couldn't do anything about it. The only thing she could do was to sit down beside her and hold her. She couldn't say a word, she couldn't say things like "It's gonna be alright". She just was so disappointed. Plus, it wasn't going to be alright. This was a major thing and it would take a lot to recover from this. Lorelai sighed once more and decided to finally go in to see her daughter. Again she wrapped her arms around Rory.  
  
"Mom, I am sorry. I was awful to you last night. I didn't mean it. I messed up. I know it was wrong. It was all wrong. I thought it was right but that's not true. I slept with Dean. He's married and I am not better than any of these girls who sleep with as many guys that they can get. I am a slut."  
  
Rory started crying again. It kept coming in waves and she started shaking. Lorelai tightened the grip around her daughter and put her head on hers, softly running her hand over Rory's hair.  
  
"Hush, hush, honey. You're not a slut and I know you didn't mean what you said last night. Don't worry about that."  
  
"Mom how can you ever forgive me? How can anyone ever forgive me? How can I even forgive myself?" The last words showed the immense devastation Rory was feeling. How could she ever feel better? How could she ever make this right again? She couldn't. She would never be able to fix this.  
  
"Rory, I am your mom. Even if there's no one else, I will always forgive you. I love you. I raised you. I will always forgive you." Lorelai said that and it was the truth. She loved Rory more than anything in her life and she would always be there for her. No matter what.  
  
So they sat there for a while. To Lorelai it seemed like forever, but Rory was slowly pulling herself together. She stopped crying, wiped her eyes, straightened up and removed herself from her mother's arms. The disappointment, sadness and devastation however were still clearly in visible in her features. Lorelai had never seen Rory's eyes so dead.  
  
"Rory, do you love Dean?" All of a sudden it was out there. Lorelai heard herself asking. She couldn't believe it at first, but once it was out, she knew she couldn't take it back.  
  
"Mom, I......"  
  
"Rory? I know it's hard, but do you love Dean?"  
  
"I don't know...I..."  
  
"Rory. Ask yourself, do you truly love Dean? Do you want to be with him? Is it him you love?"  
  
It took a while for Rory to answer and she gazed at her mother in shock, but then she said it and knew it was true.  
  
"No- no mom, I don't love Dean." It was the truth. Why hadn't she realized it before? She didn't love Dean! He was a friend, that was sure, but nothing more. Although she should have loved him, she didn't. She had let herself be persuaded by everyone around her, who had comforted her after Jess had broken her heart, who had said that Dean wouldn't have done it... She had wanted to make up for the mistake she had made, according to everyone else, when she had left Dean for Jess. She wanted to make up to her mother who had never approved of Jess but who has always loved Dean. She had wanted to fix everything, but she had made a bad choice...  
  
"I don't love Dean." Rory now looked straight into Lorelai's eyes knowing that these words made it even worse, but also knowing that she couldn't fight the truth anymore. It had happened. She had lied to herself and she couldn't keep doing that. She had to be honest. Lorelai when meeting Rory's gaze could sense her daughter's emotion. Rory after all stopped lying to herself. She was on the way to the next step. Realization. As much as Lorelai wanted to, she wouldn't be able to fix this for Rory. Rory had to do that herself. The only thing Lorelai could do was help. Whether Rory would take her advice though, was a different question.  
  
"Okay. You need to go talk to him then. We don't know what he's up to, he might be breaking up with Lindsey, he might not, but you need to talk to him anyways. You need to tell him how you feel. I don't know about his feelings, but even if he loves you and no matter how he decides on the future of his marriage. He has to know the truth. No matter how much it hurts him, you have to tell him that you do not love him."  
  
"Mom-"  
  
"No Rory, you have to get this straight all at once. You must do this. Right now. As soon as possible."  
  
"Yes, okay Mom. I know, I would have done it anyways without you lecturing me." Rory was somewhat angry again and Lorelai knew that she had treated her daughter like a child again forgetting her real age. Yet, Rory had acted like a child the night before.  
  
"Mom, can we go to Luke and get breakfast first though? I need something to eat in order to be strong enough to do this. I know it sounds pathetic, but I could use some caffeine. Plus, I don't want to go to his house because of Lindsey. I don't know if she knows but I do not want her to see me and make things worse for her in either way. I will call Dean and tell him to meet me at the bridge."  
  
"Okay dear. Do it that way. I need coffee, too. Let's go to Luke's". Luke, even though Lorelai felt miserable because of Rory, she lightened up when thinking about Luke and their kisses. She hadn't seen him after he had gone chasing Kirk. When she got back to the inn she went straight to bed, because she was so exhausted and this morning she wanted to get back to Rory as soon as she had everything fixed for breakfast at the inn. She hoped he would be there in his diner. She needed to see him. She needed comfort. She needed to see the man she loved... 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine, never will be..  
  
About half an hour later mother and daughter entered the diner. Rory had hurried in order to get through will all of the upcoming misery as soon as possible. She had called Dean on his cell, and was happy when he had answered, not Lindsey. When she told him she wanted to see him, he at once agreed to meet her at the bridge an hour later. Lorelai curiously looked around the diner. Cesar was in the kitchen, but Luke was nowhere to be seen. But since she didn't see Lane either, Lorelai was hoping that Luke was just be upstairs and that he would come down in a minute. The diner was pretty empty. There were only two more people sitting at other tables. People she didn't know. Right, everyone else was at the inn! Rory noticed the nervous look on Lorelai's face.  
  
"Mom, what's up? Why are you screening the diner, like you're waiting for Brad Pitt?"  
  
Lorelai sighed. She knew that she couldn't keep it from her daughter.  
  
"I am not exactly waiting for Brad Pitt..."  
  
"So who is it then? – Wait, are you waiting for Luke?"  
  
"Yes, I might be."  
  
"But why are you so nervous, I mean it's Luke...wait. Mom, what happened?"  
  
Lorelai wasn't sure whether to come out with the whole story. After all, Rory was not exactly in the best condition, but after considering for a few moments, she laid down the whole thing, including the dancing and the kissing. After she had finished Rory glared at Lorelai somewhat amazed.  
  
"You kissed Luke?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean, he's a nice guy. I mean he's always been there for us to help. And I mean, although he's wearing these flannel shirts and this cap all the time, I don't think he's to bad looking..." Lorelai tried to defend herself. "I mean, even though he keeps bugging me about my immense coffee- drinking and even though he can't stop criticizing me for my fast food- addiction, he still is nice right... I mean he is Luke..."  
  
"Mom, stop it" Rory interrupted her mother "You kissed Luke, for real?"  
  
"Yeah" Lorelai nodded, afraid Rory would not like it.  
  
"Finally!" Rory burst out, looking somewhat relieved and satisfied. Lorelai however could not believe it. She stared at her daughter amazed by her reaction.  
  
"What do you mean? Finally?"  
  
"Well, the two of you have been pacing around each other for years. I mean, you've loved Luke since I don't know when , and finally you admit it." Rory said, almost smiling at her mother. Lorelai was stunned. She didn't know what else to say. Right then Luke came down the stairs and entered the diner. He stopped not knowing what to do at first when he saw Lorelai, but then came right to their table.  
  
"Hi Lorelai" Luke didn't know what to look at. "Hi Rory"  
  
"Hey Luke" Rory said. When Lorelai didn't say anything, Rory slightly kicked her mother underneath the table.  
  
"Uh, hi Luke"  
  
"You guys know what you want?" Luke asked pulling out his note pad to take their orders, even though he usually didn't write down their order, because he remembered anyways. Rory noticed and took it as a sign, that Luke was nervous too. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Luke and Lorelai were acting like teenagers and Rory couldn't help smirking. She still felt like shit, but the two of them acting foolish made her smirk anyways!  
  
"Eggs and pancakes. And loads of coffee!" Rory said quickly when Lorelai didn't react to Luke's inquiry.  
  
"Okay." Before he turned around, Luke's and Lorelai's eyes met for a second, and either one turned away his or her head immediately. When Luke was back in the kitchen, Rory turned to her mother:  
  
"Mom, what the hell are you doing? You're acting like a teenager. Go over and kiss him."  
  
"Rory, I don't know..."  
  
"Mom, freaking shut up and kiss him. Do it right."  
  
Lorelai nodded, knowing her daughter referred to her own mistake the night before. She got up and rushed over to the counter and called for Luke.  
  
"What's up?" Luke asked. "You're food and coffee will be right up."  
  
"I didn't come for that."  
  
"What for then?" Luke asked unsure of what Lorelai was up to.  
  
"I came for that" Lorelai said and pulled Luke over the counter towards and kissed him. First slowly, then a bit more passionately but still appropriate considering the public place they were at.  
  
"Uh, hu, okay" Luke mumbled when they finally stopped "I can live with that." He smiled a little and was now able to look into meet her gaze.  
  
"Well good, get us our food and sit down to have breakfast with us then." Lorelai said smiling as well. She then returned to her table and saw that Rory was also smiling. Even though Rory was miserable she still could be happy for her mom. Lorelai felt overcome by a wave of love for her daughter. Yet, she didn't say anything until Luke arrived with their food and sat down at their table. Lorelai knew that Rory didn't feel like talking and thus asked Luke about Kirk and Luke happily told them the whole story. Lorelai got a good laugh out of it, but Luke noticed, that Rory wasn't really listening. She was off somewhere and he realized that she seemed overly sad and crushed. Worried he looked at Lorelai who immediately knew what he was thinking but shook her head. Don't ask her about it. Luke silently agreed and kept on talking about random things. Finally Rory looked up. She was done eating and realized it was time to go. She had to meet Dean.  
  
"Okay guys, I'm leaving."  
  
"Okay, hon. Go you know what you have to do. I'll be here if you need me afterwards."  
  
Rory just nodded, got up and left the diner heading towards the bridge. Luke watched her as she left and then turned to Lorelai.  
  
"What has happened?" Lorelai sighed and he sensed that something bad must have happened because it took her a while to answer. She knew she could tell Luke. He would understand.  
  
"Rory made a terrible mistake last night....she...she slept with Dean."  
  
Luke looked at her in disbelief. It took him a moment to realize what she had just said.  
  
"She slept with Dean?"  
  
"Yeah, I kind of walked in on them last night and she admitted it right away. We got into a fight and she didn't realize her mistake until this morning. She's gone to talk to Dean right now. She doesn't love him." Lorelai looked Luke straight in the eyes and knew she was going to cry, but Luke didn't notice it right away. He was mad, he was angry. He jumped up and paced around the diner.  
  
"I am gonna kill this bastard. Who does he think he is, doing that to Rory? How can he hurt her. How can he hurt Lindsey? I am gonna kill him. I'll beat the crap out of him....this son of a bitch....aaaawww" Just then he realized that Lorelai was crying. He immediately forgot his anger and turned towards her.  
  
"Lor, what's up?" he softly said. As usually he forgot everything else, when she was in pain and trouble. He gently embraced her and pulled her towards him.  
  
"It is my entire fault. I kept telling her all about how Dean was the perfect guy and how she should not have let him go. I made her feel guilty. I made her do this Luke! It is all my fault!"  
  
Luke couldn't believe what he had just heard. Lorelai totally fell apart now and when she started shaking he started rocking her.  
  
"No, no, that's not true. It's not your fault. It was her own decision. It's not your fault and you know that...but let it all out, let it all out" he kept holding her and so they sat there. Lorelai safely in Luke's arms and that was when she knew, that it would be alright. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Still don't own characters  
  
When Rory arrived at the bridge Dean wasn't there yet. She sighed knowing that this was going to be hard. She sat down on the bridge letting her leg hang above the water. The tears started coming again. Hadn't she sat here before? Hadn't she cried here before? Yes she had and she had cried because of Dean. That was when he had broken up with her. That was when she realized that she had fallen for Jess and no longer loved Dean. It was like a déja-vu. Dean was still not there. She figured he had trouble getting away from Lindsey. She looked around. This place was as beautiful as ever. She remembered the countless times that she had sat here. She hat set here with him. Mostly with him. With Jess. The thought of Jess made her even more sad if that was at all possible. He had asked her to leave with him and she had said no. God, that seemed like years ago, but it only was a week ago. She had told him no. No, as in I don't want to be with you. She didn't mean it entirely at that time. Yes she didn't want to be with him, she wanted him to leave. She wanted forget him and all the pain, and that was only possible as long as he wasn't there. But he kept coming back breaking her heart, and she didn't want that. She was all caught up in making up for her mistake; she was caught up in getting over Jess. Yet there he was asking her to leave and thus she said no. Would she still say no, if he asked her now? Probably not. Last week she didn't know what else to do. She immediately regretted saying no, when she saw the hurt in his eyes, but before she could say anything else he had already left. She should have said something else. She should have explained. She didn't mean to hurt him, but he had hurt her too, right? So no need to feel guilty. Jess! She should be thinking of how to bring talk to Dean and what to say, but she couldn't stop thinking about Jess. He had been on her mind all the time last night and this morning. She couldn't stop it. Why did she have to think about him? And why did it upset her even more? Why was he a contributing factor to her sadness? Right then, Dean arrived.  
  
"Rory" he said in a happy voice and reached out to grab her hand. Rory however took a step away from him before he could touch her.  
  
"Dean, stop!" she said determined. "I need to tell you something and I am want you to just listen and let me get it out." Dean looked at her confused not knowing what to expect but he finally nodded indicating that he was going to let her say what she needed to say. Rory gave a little sigh and pulled herself together:  
  
"Dean, yesterday, what happened between us was a mistake. You are married and we were both cheating. That wasn't right." Dean tried to say something and moved closer again. But Rory moved away again and went on. "We were cheating no matter how screwed up your marriage is. Nothing can justify that. But that's not the only reason why it was a mistake. There's something more---Dean, I do not love you!" There. She had said it. She had rushed through this and at the end she was almost yelling. Dean stared at her and she could see his disappointment. However he did not give up at once:  
  
"Rory, no. It wasn't a mistake. Me and Lindsey are screwed up. I am leaving her. We are meant to be together and it wasn't wrong."  
  
"Yes it was Dean" Rory said slowly getting annoyed by his ignorance, Hadn't he heard what she had said?  
  
"I do not love you Dean."  
  
"Do you mean it?"  
  
"Yes I mean it. Either way, it was a mistake and if I could I would take it back, but I can't. I don't know what you'll do about your marriage and at this point I have to say I don't care. Consider Lindsey though. If you're worried, whether I'll tell her: I won't. Maybe you should, but I don't know. You have to figure that out yourself. I don't love you Dean. I don't think we can ever be friends again. Too much has happened. I wish you well though." Rory looked at him. She had spoken clearly in a strong voice and there was no doubt that she meant what she said. Dean looked at her. She could tell he was hurting. He had expected her to want to be with him. He was crushed.  
  
"Fine" was the only thing he could say. He then rapidly turned around and walked away from her quickly. Rory sat down. She was exhausted. That had taken some strength. But yet, some of that weight was taken of her shoulders. She had dealt with Dean and was somewhat relieved. Part of it was dealt with. Now, she only had to deal with herself, but that would be the hardest to do. She looked down at her own reflection in the lake and she felt like she was staring at a stranger. She didn't know that girl that looked back at her. That wasn't her. That was someone else, someone who had slept with a man without loving him, someone who had wasted their first time ignoring their feelings. Suddenly Rory jumped up. She had to get away from this. She had to find herself again. She didn't know where she was going but she couldn't go back to her mother. She had to figure that out herself. She had to leave Stars Hollow in order to find the way back to herself. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Characters belong to ASP, not to me  
  
Lorelai got back home an hour later. It had taken her some time to regain her composure and she had been in deep need of Luke's comfort. He had held her for a long time and he wouldn't let go of her before she stopped crying. He kept telling her that everything was going to be fine over and over. But she already believed it before he even said it. Something about the way he held her, the way he gently kissed her on the forehead assured her, that everything would turn out to be fine in the end. After a while, when she had been in his arms long enough to recover, she straightened up pulling away from him. She had to go home and look after Rory. Luke knew what she was up to and smiled reassuringly. She gently kissed him goodbye and softly said: "Thank you – I love you" Luke kissed her once more and then said: "I love you, too". The both of them got up and he walked her to the door. As soon as Lorelai entered her house though, she knew that Rory wasn't there. She was surprised. Rory's conversation with Dean could not have taken that long, unless.... No, no, Rory wouldn't do that. She had to be somewhere else. Maybe at Lane's. Lorelai walked over to the phone in order to call Lane's apartment and then she saw the note lying on the little side- table.  
  
Mom- I need to get out of Stars Hollow. I talked to Dean and I told him I didn't love him. He took it fairly well. However, I just need to get out of here. I need to figure out myself and I need to be away from everyone for a while. At the moment Stars Hollow is killing me. I don't know where I am going and I don't know for how long I will be away, but I want you to know that I love you. I am sorry that I didn't talk to you, but I had to do this and I was afraid you wouldn't let me go. Don't worry, Rory.  
  
Lorelai had to sit down on the couch. Rory was gone. Off to somewhere. Without a goodbye. But she was right. Lorelai being the mother she is would not have let her go. Instinctively Lorelai knew that Rory had to be for herself and get away for a while in order to get a different view of it all. Rory had done the right thing. Lorelai could do nothing but wait and hope that her daughter was fine. She picked up the phone and dialled:  
  
"Luke, do you want to come over and have lunch?"  
  
Rory had been sitting on the bus for a while when she noticed that they had arrived in the outskirts of New York. Against the blue coloured sky you could make out the skyline of Manhattan. The sky had been grey all the way, but once they hit the city it turned into a beautiful day. Rory had taken the first bus out of Hartford which turned out to be going to New York City. Was it fate? She didn't care. She just wanted to get away from home as fast as possible. And the big city sounded good to here. People everywhere, commotion and traffic. She could hide within the crowds and flow along with them. No one would notice her and yet she would feel the beat of life. She needed to feel life again. The whole ride she had been staring out of the window but not really looking at what was out there. To her everything seemed grey and hopeless. She didn't notice the people around her. Only occasionally she looked up when the bus had come to another stop. She just stared blankly out of the window battling inside her. What have I done? These words kept repeating themselves over and over. Finally they arrived at the central bus stop in Manhattan. Rory recognized it. She had been here before. That was when she had come to see Jess... Rory got off the bus and pulled her bag closer. This was New York City. It was safer to keep your belongings close to yourself. She hadn't had time to pack much before she had left Stars Hollow so she only had the basics with her. No books, no music. Just a few clothes and toiletries. And money of course. She had been to an ATM in Hartford and had gotten quite an amount of money out of her savings account. She didn't know where she was headed and how much she was going to need. She walked a few blocks and the longer she walked to more she felt like she was breathing again. The city was so lively with all the noise and the commotion and the people. It somewhat restored her spirits. Without even noticing Rory arrived at Washington Square. When she realized where she was she stood still. The last time, she had met him here. He had been here reading. Unconsciously she looked around trying to find him here, but he was not there. How could he. He was probably in California with his Dad or somewhere else. And even if he was in this city, how big was the chance of meeting him here. There were literally millions of people Rory sat down on a bench and started looking around. She didn't want to walk anymore. Something kept her here, and she knew what it was. It was him. It was Jess. He had been right when he said that they belonged together. Even though he had hurt her so bad, she still could not leave him and her feelings for him behind. She had never been over him. She had said so, but it wasn't true. When he had told her he loved her, she wanted to say it back, but she wouldn't let herself do it. Instead she just let him drive away. She had tricked herself into sending him away last week although she wanted him there. She did love him. She had never stopped loving him. He was supposed to be her first time. She had realized that a year ago, but he left before it ever came that far. She was supposed to be with him, but she chose Dean instead. She loved Jess, but she had slept with Dean. Rory couldn't cry anymore. She had cried enough the last two days. On the inside she was weeping though. So she just sat there motionless.  
  
He recognized her at once when he saw her. Even though he could only see her back, it was her sitting on the bench that was for sure. He didn't know what to do. She had rejected him the week before and whatever she was doing here she was not here because of him. He had poured out her heart to her, but it was too late. She didn't love him anymore. She had turned back to Dean. It might have been crazy to ask her to go away with him, but that's how he had felt at that moment. He wanted a new start, but she didn't. She said no. No to him, no to them. It was over. He had to try and get over her. Even if he could never feel for anyone the same as he did for her. He had to leave her behind. It hurt too much. Jess turned around and then started walking away from her.  
  
She didn't know why, but all of a sudden she could sense him. He was right behind her. It was him, she could feel it. She turned around and saw him walk away. No, she thought to herself, no, you need to make him stay.  
  
"Jess" she cried. "Jess stop. Wait!" she cried helplessly.  
  
Jess stopped at once. Shit, she had seen him. He couldn't do this. He had to walk away from her. But then no, no walking away again. He had to turn around and face her, he had to.  
  
When he looked at her, and saw the destroyed look in her eyes and the dead expression on her face he knew something had happened. She was hurt. Not by him though, not by him, he kept telling himself and he did not even noticed that he had walked towards her and was no less than three feet away from her. Rory had stood up and was looking straight into his eyes. He could see that she had been crying.  
  
"Jess" she said softly.  
  
"Rory what's wrong?" He couldn't help it. He loved her. He cared about her.  
  
"Jess, I made a terrible mistake. I slept with Dean, but I don't love him and he's married."  
  
It was like a hit in the face and everything inside him turned around. He couldn't say anything. He could just stare at her, not wanting to believe what she had just said.  
  
Rory looked at him. As soon as she had said it his look changed. Before he had looked like he tried not to show how much seeing her affected him, but now he looked hurt and sad. She had hurt him even more and then it crushed her again. She had hurt the ones she loved, she had hurt her mom and she had hurt him.  
  
Jess could see Rory sink to the ground. She just fell and he rushed over to catch her. He was able to grab a hold of her before she fell on the ground. There she was in his arms, unable to hold herself up anymore. 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story  
  
He had taken her to his mom's apartment. After getting back to New York last week he had decided to move out of the crappy place he had lived before. Even if Rory wasn't with him, he still had to start a new life. He had to find a way to make something out of himself, maybe just to prove that he was right when he told her he was a person to count on. When Liz offered him to stay at her place for as long as she was on her honeymoon with T.J. he thankfully accepted the offer. At least he had a decent place to stay. At least he had a decent place to take Rory too. She was so weak, it almost scared him. She couldn't walk so he carried her. Luckily it was only a few blocks. But he would have carried her further than that if he had too. He had wanted to take her to a hospital but she did not want him to.  
  
"No, no hospital. And please Jess, don't call my mom..." it took all her strength to say that. She was worn out and every inch of her body was aching. It was a great relief when Jess had put her into a bed. She did not know whose it was. Was it his? No, it didn't smell like him. This bed was for a couple.  
  
"Jess, I...." she started wanting to say that she loved him, wanting to say how much she regretted everything, wanting to make him hurt less.  
  
"Sshhh, Rory you're worn out. You need to go to sleep. Don't worry, just go to sleep. I am here, it's safe..."  
  
Rory nodded slightly and closed her eyes. He watched her silently. He still could not believe it. It didn't take long and she was asleep. He noticed because her breathing had become steadily and the look on her face showed relaxation. Yet, he could still see the pain on her face, the devastation. Still, she looked as beautiful as always, like an angel. Well, today like a fallen angel...  
  
The phone rang and Lorelai immediately rushed towards it. She had been sitting on the couch with Luke and Luke had gotten up as well. Was it Rory?  
  
"Lorelai Gilmore." Jess didn't answer right away. He was amazed that he still new their number by heart.  
  
"Hello, Rory is that you?"  
  
"No, it's Jess."  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"Yeah, I am calling to tell you that she's here in New York at Liz's apartment. She broke down and is sleeping now. She didn't want me to call you, but I figured you were probably worried. I'll take care of her." Jess hung up. He didn't want to hear Lorelai's reply. She would probably be here pretty soon to pick up Rory. Luke knew where Liz lived. Lorelai would never leave Rory in his hands longer than necessary, but then, did she know about Dean?  
  
Lorelai lay down the phone and turned to Luke.  
  
"She's with Jess. He said she's fine."  
  
"What? She's with Jess"  
  
"Yes, and he called me without her knowing about it."  
  
Luke didn't know what to say. He knew only too well, that Lorelai still despised Jess for what he had done to Rory. She didn't trust him. Luke, however did trust him. He knew Jess loved Rory.  
  
"Lorelai," he said "don't worry. She'll be fine. He'll take care of her. We can go get her."  
  
"No, she'll come back if she needs us. I guess I have to trust Jess. Can't be worse than Dean." Luke could tell that Lorelai felt helpless. She couldn't do anything to help her daughter.  
  
"Jess won't harm her. He loves her...."  
  
"He does?"  
  
"Yeah he told me, he told her. I know it's true."  
  
"He told her?"  
  
"Evidently"  
  
Lorelai did not respond for a moment and then turned to look Luke straight in the eye.  
  
"She'll be fine. She loves him, too. I never wanted to admit it, but I saw her reaction every time she saw him. She never got over him."  
  
Rory woke up and this time she immediately knew where she was. Jess had taken her here. Jess. Where was he? How long had she been sleeping? She could tell it was already dark outside. She noticed that she was in a bedroom. A woman's bedroom. Pink curtains, go figure. The door was closed. Had Jess left? He had to be somewhere in this apartment. He had said that he was going to be there. Rory got up still feeling exhausted, but not as bad as before. The sleeping surely had helped a lot. She noticed that there was a bathroom next to the bedroom and went in, in order to splash some water in her face. The cold water felt nice. She looked at herself in the mirror and it almost freaked her out. She looked so worn out. Like she hadn't slept in a week. Just then her stomach started growling. Right she hadn't eaten since this morning. She turned of the water and went out of the room into a hallway. She noticed that there was only one other door, which was open. She slowly walked up to it until she stood in the door. There he was, reading. He hadn't noticed her. He just sat there reading his book, like he always used to when they were still together. He looked older though, like he had gone through some hard times. Suddenly he looked up and upon seeing her in the doorway immediately got up.  
  
"Hey, you're awake. Did you sleep alright?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, uhm, how are you feeling?"  
  
"I feel better. Thank you. I mean thank you for taking care of me not just for asking."  
  
"It's okay" he quickly sad "I told you, you could count on me, right?"  
  
"Yeah right." She said and tried to smile. Then there was an awkward silence. Neither one of them knew how to make the next step. Jess kept looking at Rory and Rory kept looking at him. There they were again.  
  
"Well, uhm, are you hungry?" Rory had to smile. She was a Gilmore, of course she was hungry. Both of them noticed that it was her first real smile since she got there.  
  
"Kind of."  
  
"Okay, there's still some left-over Chinese in the fridge that I could heat up for you, or I could go get you burgers or a pizza. Or anything else you want. I mean we're in New York City. You could get snales if you wanted some."  
  
"Eeww, no I think Chinese will do, unless you want some snales"  
  
"No, stopped eating them ever since I am back in civilization."  
  
She couldn't help it but he made her laugh. He always could do that. Even when she was mad at him, he was still able to make her laugh. She watched him as he went to heat up her food. The kitchen and the living-room were just one room, but all together everything was nicely arranged.  
  
"Is this you're place?" Rory asked while sitting down on the couch.  
  
"Do I look like I would decorate my apartment with silk roses?" Rory looked around and noticed that there was a huge amount of silk roses spread out everywhere in the room.  
  
"Hhm, I don't know, I mean you always had that special softie side to you..." Jess smirked at her. They always teased each other.  
  
"It's Liz's apartment. I am only staying here until I find a new place."  
  
"I see" she said. Then the microwave went off and Jess prepared the food on a plate for her before he came over to the couch He handed her the food and sat down in a chair across from her. He didn't feel comfortable sitting next to her on the couch. The temptation to touch her was too big. She had rejected him and that was it. At least now she seemed to be okay with being in the same room, and he didn't want to spoil that. Instead he just watched her munch away the Chinese food and he didn't say anything. Rory, being the Gilmore her mother had raised her to be, finished quickly. She put her plate down on the coffee-table in front of her and put her hands in her lap. She didn't know how to start. So they just sat there in silence for a while, both of them just enjoying the presence of the other. However they weren't able to look each other in the eye, both afraid of what might happen when they did. Both afraid of hurt and rejection. Finally Jess managed to look at Rory and she looked up to meet his gaze. Here we are again she thought. She had to say something. It was up to her to explain. She had to tell him how she felt. "Jess, I'm sorry..."  
  
"Oh don't be sorry it's alright, don't worry about it. You can stay here as long as you need to"-  
  
"I wasn't apologizing for that" Jess looked at her astonished.  
  
"What are you sorry for then?"  
  
"For hurting you last week. For letting you walk away so many times. For saying no when I should have said yes. For not telling you I loved you when you told me you loved you. For pushing you away. For yelling at you back in Stars Hollow. For sleeping with Dean when all I wanted was you." There it was she lost it. Although she didn't want to she started crying yet again. It made her mad. She didn't want to cry anymore. She wanted to be strong again. It hurt Jess to see her put out like that. He couldn't stand to see her hurt that way and instinctively moved to the couch and took her in his arms. She held on to him, her head against his chest.  
  
"You don't need to be sorry."  
  
"Can you forgive me then?"  
  
"Forgive you what? I am the one to blame. I ran away and came back just to run away again. I asked you to come with me which was ridiculous after all what I had done to you. Rory I am sorry. I am the one who needs to ask for forgiveness."  
  
"I have already forgiven you." Rory said honestly looking up into his eyes. "I love you Jess, whatever you would do couldn't make me love you less."  
  
"Oh Rory" Jess said suppressing tears building up in his eyes. She had forgiven him. She loved him. That was all he needed to know. He pulled her up until they were face to face and kissed her. They kissed slowly at first. Rory put her hands in his neck and softly played with his hair. It was as if they had never been apart. This didn't just seem right. This felt right. It was right. They belonged to each other. Even after they stopped kissing they still wouldn't let go of each other. They had been apart for too long. Finally Rory pulled back a little looked at Jess and sadly said:  
  
"I slept with Dean."  
  
"I know. It doesn't matter."  
  
"It matters to me. I wanted it to be you."  
  
"It's okay. It's over. It hurts, but it will stop hurting. We're together that's important, nothing else."  
  
Without further ado Jess pulled her back into his arms and kissed her again more passionately. Even if he would not be her first one, he would hold on to her, he loved her and never wanted to let her go again. 


End file.
